I Wonder What Today Will Bring?

A friend of mine died today of lung cancer.  He was diagnosed a few years ago & decided not to treat it.  I wasn't aware he was fighting, he just seemed to be partying like no tomorrow to me.  He knew something I didn't.  I am not sure if I admire his take or not?  I can see how one would want to do that after the horrors modern medicine has to offer.  But why did he do it?  Doesn't he value his life?  It seems to me to do nothing is the easiest, that's what he did.   I remember him with a constant cloud of smoke around his head and a joke on his tongue.  He went into the hospital 2 days ago & in now gone.  In honor of him I will do as little as possible tomorrow.  He lived & died by his choices, I hope he has found peace. 

Up late stressing over how it all happened.  Which smart ass comment got me fired? Why does this keep happening to me?  Yes there are all those philosophical answers about giving one what they can handle, yes I know I am strong as a diamond.  But what to do to fix it?  Should I become someone else?  Is my personality so toxic that it's ruining my life?  So how do I end up here & what is it that makes me rub people the wrong way?  I hope I have a choice besides being miserable or working.  I am willing to admit that teaching may have never been a great fit but I have a lot to offer and thought I had found  a way to make it work.  I am just SO TIRED!!  The idea of getting this whole ball rolling again makes me want to take to my bed. I'm just so confused & shaken.  I don't trust my own instincts.   I'm sure blogging this is as good of an idea as drunk dialing. 

Well travel is done & now I'm home.  Getting a lot done how did I get anything done & work?  I am glad I have this chance I am trying to figure whats up.  I am pretty sure I want to do something that will feed my creative side.  I went into teaching because it was safe & I wouldn't  be where I am now.  So here I am anyway.  What that creative thing is?  I am not sure yet.  I am into doing something.  I know I don't want to be a drain.  I hope to be a self sufficent cripple. 

Work is ending and to borrow a phrase from Hunter I am viewing it with much Fear & Loathing.  Although I've come up with some really smart ass answers to the question "what are you gonna do next year?", I haven't  said any of them out load.  (I've just cracked myself up)   I am glad to have an end in sight I am excited to have choices.  I am grateful for this oppurtunity to make these changes. 
  I still believe the universe unfolds exactly as it should.  
Kharma doesn't like it when I get screwed.  

There isn't much a Vicoden & Ice Cold Guiness won't fix.

Despite it all life goes on.  It would be really easy to be cliche but I am figuring things out.  We are all so fragile & we should all take better care of ourselves.  I want to work harder at taking care of others, to be nicer.  I miss Jackson so much the Poo has about had it with me.
The sun still rises. 
If your not feeling it, play the part.
Hello darkness my old friend,
But Godammit that's not what is in my heart. 
The sun still rises.

Thanks for indulging me.

And the adventure began.  The offers began flooding in form all over.   Some pretty good some absolutly silly.  My mood, well that changed moment to moment like my plan. Is this a half empty or half full glass.  Well that Is the 64,000 dollar question  isn't it?  I am ready for what comes next I just hope I can do something that Isn't a day to day fight with my body and my soul.  Is there a divine plan, I guess I am about to find out.  I would like to have a job where I don't have to pretend to be someone else.  More Later. 

I know I kid but It was more important than I let on.  Yes I have become a statistic, I am being non reelected for the next school year.  So what to do...what to do... I will figure it out.  In the mean time I will be running to the shelter of the mothers little helper.

 Thanks for everyone who has been my fan club.

I am having a hard time keeping up my cheery exterior.  I am feeling like igneous rock, being squished on all sides.  Tonight I came home & crashed but I wanted to go to yoga I needed it!   Things are just not going right despite my best efforts.   I wonder what message I am supposed to be getting?  I guess I will just hitch up my goloshes & grab my shovel til I figure it out.